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Today my son would have been 11 years old. I often wonder what my little angel would be like had he been born healthy. Would he look more like me or his daddy? Every year this time I try my best to celebrate his life and not focus on his death. Trey was only here for six short days but he impacted my life in so many ways.
I’ve always had a relationship with God. You know call on him in bad times and often an afterthought in good times. That relationship changed in the 4 weeks prior to Trey’s birth but was sealed when he was born. I have often told people this is when I learned to pray fervently without ceasing. Looking at my 1lb 6oz son in the incubator with tubes running everywhere I would pray that somehow God would turn this around. I’d pray that God allow me to trade places with my little boy.
Trey was born with a Grade IV brain bleed on his left side. His lungs were severely underdeveloped because my membrane ruptured at 20 weeks. The doctors were amazed this sick little boy lasted through the night. Over the next five days, I refused to hear that my son’s health was declining. There was a Grade IV bleed on the right side of his head. There was talk of having to amputate his leg because of low blood flow to the lower limbs.
Deciding to let go was a very painful decision that I tried not to face on an hourly basis. Letting go meant giving up to me. Eventually, his dad and I did let go. Trey was christened by the hospital chaplain and then given to us to say our final goodbyes. While holding him I called his name and he opened his eyes. A peace came over me somehow his eyes told me he would be alright.
With Trey being in the NICU for six days, I watched the best doctors and nurses doing their very best to help these little babies survive. I gained a new appreciation for nurses but critical care nurses especially. Every day they come to work not knowing if their little patients will make it through the day or night. I know that they can’t help but get attached to these little ones who are prone to succumb to death at any given moment. And yet every shift rotation they come in filled with empathy, kind words, and encouragement for the families. If you ever get sick thank your nurse for being who she is because they are the reason so many of us regain health and continue living the life we live. Thank you to all the special nurses in the world.
Finally, Trey’s little life impacted me through finding my own strength. If someone had asked me six months prior if your baby died could you survive. My answer probably would have been no. I never would have believed that my life would have included losing a child. And I would have thought I would not be strong enough to survive it. But here I am today! This little boy empowered me to find my own strength. How could I be glum and crying at his bedside but expecting him not to feel or receive my negative spirit. Trey fought longer than the doctors expected him to live. And so, I remember his fighting spirit. I remember his eyes looking into mine. And I remember that he was a Gift from God if only for a short time.
So today I wish my angel a happy 11th birthday. I love you more than words can say. Until we meet again my angel.
I hope sharing this part of my life encourages someone who is dealing with the loss of a pregnancy or baby. This scripture helped me through my rough times Isaiah 53:5.